Crush - Part 3: Breaking Up is Hard to Do.

And so we've come to the last part in our crush saga: The end of a crushing era. You've come to your senses, he's getting married/moving/gay/otherwise now unattainable, you've finally decided it's not worth the emotional turmoil. In any case, something has happened to stop the crush in it's tracks or at least sent it skidding to a halt before it careened into an abyss.

So, now what?

In some ways getting over a crush is like breaking up. There were hopes and dreams, emotional attachments, and physical yearnings that just aren't going to come to fruition or be sated now. Which always blows. It's not so much the ending that sucks as much as the feeling of wasted time and effort. The end of it sucks, no doubt about it, but it's the time and effort put into it, even a crush, that makes it difficult to bear. Think about it. There you are, either while in a relationship or in the deep throes of a crush, with all these ideas of what the future could be like. You nurture it and cherish it like it was your own child and then suddenly it's gone. And what do you have to show for it? Nada.

There's a couple of different ways this aftermath can go. If you're the resilient sort you move on with nary a blip on your external radar. Crush over, at least you didn't date him, let's move on. If you are one of those people, go you! I wish I could be like that.

See, with me, breaking up or getting over a really intense crush requires some form of therapy. I'm not talking about getting over a celebrity crush or even one that I wasn't really invested in. I'm talking about the type of crush that I invested myself in and nurtured like it was my own child. Yes, I am guilty of this. It happens. I am, after all, only spectacularly human and prone to such whims and mistakes as humans make. Intense crushes are among those.

When it comes to recovery I'm trying desperately to avoid any kind of therapeutic measures that involve ice cream and new shoes. So, usually I'll curl up in my cave with a well read romance novel where I can pretend that I'm not me for a while. Other measures include some self pampering via home spa treatments. And another favorite is a girl's night.

Other girls are fabulous when it comes to helping you get over a crush. (Or for guys, guy time can probably have the same affect.) Where else can you get together and bemoan your losses over a bitch beer and a cigarette while hanging out in a hot tub? Girl's night. It's good for just about anything that ails you. Boys, work, weight, money, boys... I could go on.

The point basically being that one of the greatest cures for a fallen crush is to do something for you. I know it's nearly impossible to take time out of our schedules to make me time, but it's a necessity in normal life. That makes it even more important in the midst of an emotional blow. If you like to hike, go for a long one and fall in love with nature. If you like to shoot, find a range and buy twice the ammo you usually do. If you're a geek, like me, find a convention nearby and take a weekend trip to go be with your fellows in geekdom. And barring that, fill up your Netflix instant view with your favorite sci-fi and anime (or chick-flicks or action films or TV show, whatever it is that you like) and hunker down for a good marathon. Do something for you not only to distract yourself, but to remind yourself that you're worth it.

And whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Don't feel bad about taking time out. Don't feel bad about the extra slice of pizza. And don't feel bad about breaking down and crying a bit. Tears are an emotional release valve. You'll feel better.

What's your best therapy for a break up or a fallen crush? Leave me a note in the comments and give the world the benefits of your insights! I'm all about audience participation!

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And so ends the Crush series. In retrospect, I probably could have chosen a less intimidating starter topic for this blog. Nothing like jumping off a cliff to learn if I can fly.

Not entirely certain what the next topic is going to be. I may just go as the spirit moves me in my writing for a while rather than do something topic driven again. Stay tuned for the fun!

K

Crush - Part 2: How to Deal

Ok, so I've established that for the most part crushes are an innocuous part of every day life. As long as you keep your wits about you and don't go insane, they're not a big deal. (Translation: Don't go all stalker or send your light of love bits of clothing and hair.) And if we're going to be perfectly honest, those little fantasies can be nice little mini-vacations from the monotony of daily life. Sort of like a coffee break for the mind and spirit.

However, that doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't occasionally annoying and distracting. After all, if you've got a crush on a guy that doesn't know you're alive but you're part of the same social network (church, work, school, etc) it can be pretty difficult to get over a crush and move on. So, you've got to deal with it. Seeing the guy on a regular basis without losing your cool or your street cred by becoming a gooey mush-head every time Mr./Ms. Crush-Worthy walks into the room is a rough gig, but it happens to the best of us.

My most recent crush was one of those. I think I played it cool enough that he didn't know, but I guess I'll never know, and there's still a small part of me that threatens to go gooey when he walks in the room. And we saw each other quite often and I did entertain fantasies of a future. This guy fell somewhere in between the “Unattainable” and “Could Work” categories previously described. Fortunately for me, that crush died pretty quickly and I can look back on it now and go, “meh”. Well, ok, maybe not “meh.” There are still those annoying little moments where my brain threatens to go mushy, but that's residual.

Dealing with a crush when it's in play is a little like... there's not really a real world situation that is similar. Not that I can think of. It's kind of a world of its own, really. It's not like being in a relationship because apart from any friendship that is in place, it's not a relationship and so there's no fear of cheating or anything like that. The only way you get into that kind of trouble is if you let the crush control your life to the point that you're refusing other dates out of fear that you'll miss your chance with your crush.

Living with a crush is in a realm of its own. It's nice because it means that your brain and hormones are working properly. Sometimes after a long dry spell it's nice to know that your working part haven't rusted from disuse. Not so, proclaims the crush. They're still here and working! Yay!

However, it's not so nice because it seriously messes with your rhythm. Think about it. La-di-da-di-da, going about your usual business and bam! Crush! Like a sock full of quarters to the forehead. And suddenly your cozy little world is topsy-turvy. It's like the worst roller coaster in the world and it's hard to get off.

...of the roller coaster. Hard to get off the roller coaster.

Ahem.

Anyway!

Really, the best way to deal with a crush is to kind of ignore it and hope it goes away. Enjoy the little side bennies like day dreams and such, but don't let it overrun your life. And that's true of anything. As long as you're able to go about your daily business it's fine. But once you start calling into work because your crush got a flat tire and needs a ride to Burger King because he's hungry and this could be the catalyst to make him fall madly in love with you a line has been crossed. Actually, at that point it's been sprinted past and is back there in the dust clouds.

And really, a crush is little more than an active fantasy. It's brain candy. Sure, there are mutual crushes where the two people involved finally get a clue and have a go at dating each other, but the reality is that things aren't usually going to happen that way. That's why so few crushes actually result in real dates and boyfriends.

So, that's how to deal. Like most things in life, you just have to live with it and go about your life as usual. Which blows. It feels like there should be a cure all remedy to get over a crush, especially when you know it's futile. However, that would be a logical solution and emotions don't respond well to logic. Ever.

Tune in next time for the third and final installment of Crush – It's Over.

The Single Chick

Crushes - Part 1: Types of Crushes

Ok, so one of the things that is mutually great about and somewhat annoying about being single is the ability to have and maintain crushes. They're stupid happy daydream fodder most of the time but other times they're just a nuisance.

In my experience I've noticed a few different types of crushes: The Celebrity Crush, The Unattainable Crush, and the “Oh Sweet Lord This Might Actually Work!” Crush.

So, let's take a bit of a closer look, shall we?

The Celebrity Crush

This one is probably the easiest to deal with. You see a pretty guy or girl on a movie screen and your head and other organs go “WANT!” (See Also: RDJ in the side view. Yum.) I've had this happen quite often. It's easy to do. Let's face it, the guys and girls of Hollywood are all varying shades of pretty. That makes them easy to crush on and easy to daydream about.

I'm completely and unashamedly guilty of this. I get these stupid little stories going in my head of where I meet my current celebrity crush and there are life changing events that cause us to fall madly into lust with one another or something else happens that makes me leave my humdrum life and things are different and better because I've met this crush. These daydreams have featured boy and girl celebrities and are overall pretty innocuous. I mean, I know that they're not going to really happen but they give me a nice little diversion from real life.

These crushes usually only get people into trouble when they start to get obsessive and stalkerish. I mean, we all remember Selena. That's a good example of taking the celebrity crush situation way too far. But for the most part, these are just innocent little fantasies that make people feel good and create a small diversion. There's probably some sort of communication studies psycho-babble that I should know that would describe this phenomenon, but I don't remember what it is. It's been a while since that Communication Theory class as an undergrad.

To Recap: Celebrity Crush = A-OK as long as you don't go nuts, let it affect real life, and aren't sending them your dirty underwear. Because, ew.

The Unattainable Crush

Ok, these next two are the ones that tend to cause heartache. The Unattainable Crush is the one that you see in the distance and for some reason or another you know that you have a snowman's chance of making it out of hell with his carrot intact of actually being able to hook up with the guy. Sometimes it's an instinctive feeling that we get and we nurture the fantasy for a few days before moving on. Other times, it takes some doing to realize that he is indeed unattainable. Maybe you realize after some observation that you don't match his “type”. Or perhaps it's just because you know that you could trip over his dog and spill a milkshake on him and he wouldn't notice you. For some reason or another this crush should be over before it began.

Yet still, it persists. Kind of like the puppy that follows you around the house but not nearly as endearing in most ways. At some point it probably becomes more of a nuisance than anything. More about that stage later.

These crushes are more annoying than anything most of the time. As long as you don't let it get to stalker level obsession it'll usually fizzle out on its own. After all, there's only so long that your emotions can butt up against a brick wall before finally it's just not worth it.

General Consensus: Annoying but harmless providing you don't let it take over your life. (Common theme, much?)

The “Oh Sweet Lord This Might Actually Work!” Crush

This is the one that I quite possibly the most difficult to handle. You meet a guy and he not only notices you but is actually willing to talk to you. Not only that, but as you talk and develop your friendship you realize that you have a lot in common and are quickly developing a great friendship. The problem? You have no idea how he feels about you even though you're getting to a crush point that you keep toying around with idea of replacing your last name with his.

This one is the worst of the lot to deal with because it's the one that you can see having the most affect on your current life and potential future. It's really hard not to have some pretty intense daydreams and fantasies about a guy that you can foresee spending your life with. Unfortunately, this also what makes this crush kind of dangerous. There is a good chance that you might focus on this particular crush so much that you'll miss something else that's right in front of you. Or you'll become disillusioned with the friendship because it's not developing the way your crush would like it and you'll lose a good friend out of it.

The best way to approach this one is proceed with caution. Always keep your wits about you and don't get so focused on what you want that you miss what could be. It's kind of like when you order the chocolate cake and then they come around with cheesecake or something. It could be that the best thing for you is just around the corner only you wouldn't have have been paying attention for it. That's not always the case, but it could happen.

Basically: Be careful and keep your head.

There we have it, a basic introduction to crushes. Mostly harmless little infatuations that can run away with us if not properly monitored. Believe me, I'm guilty as charged, especially on that last one.

Tune in later this week for Part 2: Dealing with Crushes: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

Why Single Chick?

Congratulations, you've stumbled into my corner! Well, one of them. I hope the wall didn't hit you too hard.

I've been single pretty much my whole life. I've had a few boyfriends but nothing that could even be remotely considered a 'serious relationship'. And over time I've watched friends that I grew up with get married, have babies and continue on this wacky ride called life with a seat partner. Sometimes it's a lot of candy and flowers and romance and a lot of times it's drama and people jumping ship and threatening to jump ship and then not jumping ship... and I'm stopping the maritime metaphor now.

The point being is that as the token single chick in a lot of people's coupled off worlds, I've got a lot of observations and questions and kind of WTF moments. So, I might as well put them out here for the world to see, right?

Let's get one thing straight first thing: I'm single but I'm not exactly what we'd call extremely desperate to change that. Yeah, I'd like to get into a relationship someday and get married to the right guy at some point in that nebulous thing we call the future. To steal from one of my favorite authors, Lisa Harper, "I like men. I'd like to have one of my own someday." But there's no rush.

This isn't a blog about how being singleness is so awesome blah blah yadda yadda ad nauseum. Quite frankly, a lot of the time being single sucks. Our society puts a premium on being romantically attached to someone and it tends to make those of us that aren't feel like we're failing the American Dream or something. What this blog is is my attempt to inject a bit of reality into the entire being single thing. It's going to be brutally honest about the pros and cons of being single, probably fairly emotional and ranty sometimes, and the occasional anecdote about botched dates that I've been on or observed. I fully intend to be entertained.

So, welcome! Sit a stay for a bit. It should be an interesting ride.